1. To the Movember participants in the office: “You have a little something on your lip. What? That’s supposed to be there? It’s a moustache, you say? Right. Sure. Keep telling yourself that.” Know why? Because they all have full-on funky MOS now. Pictured right. (Blerg. But I am supportive. Kinda.)
2. In an ironic Alanis Morissette type way: “I’m sick but I’m pretty.” Because it’s not true. Well, maybe if I’m being ironic I can still say it. Especially if I’m being ironic in the way that Alanis Morissette means ironic, which is, ironically, incorrect. Um, point being that being sick and pretty at the same time is nearly impossible for me. Pictured left. Ha, just kidding. It’s my blog and I don’t have to post unflattering pictures of myself if I don’t want to. So there.
This is a tangent because I was thinking about being sick and then I remembered that on Monday when I was at home sick, I watched a 6-minute Saturday Night Live clip with the Celebrity Jeopardy people because I was still on my “the penis mightier” kick from the other day. And they had one with celebrity Burt Reynolds and he renamed himself Turd Ferguson and then there was a category called “A Petit Dejeuner” and fake Burt Reynolds/Turd Ferguson says, “I speak a little French. ASSWIPE. Pardon my French.” And I laughed until I had a coughing fit. Isn’t that funny? Huh huh? Ok, guess you had to be there. End tangent.
3. Claiming in a room full of people I want to impress: “Oh, I have a rather dry sense of humor.” No I don’t. I laugh at poop jokes. See above re: Turd Ferguson. There was a sewer smell in the office today and the email thread about said sewer smell was so funny it sent me into another coughing fit. I giggle every time someone pronounces “pianist” properly. This is rather embarrassing if your brother and mom are pianists. Yeah, my sense of humor is decidedly, uh, wet.
Now if I can just manage to keep my mouth shut.