Stuff I’ll Never Wear (Unless my Legs Get Chopped Off in a Horrible Accident and Are Replaced with Rachel Bilson’s Legs)

I’m somewhere in this weird nether-region between fashionable and unfashionable. I’ve always at least nominally tried to stay on top of things. In high school in the ’90s I did the whole flannel and oversized t-shirt thing. In college, I dressed like a college student: hoodie couture. And then I tried to assemble a fashionable work-appropriate wardrobe for my career-oriented 20s.

The thing is, there have always been items I am completely unwilling to try. Mini skirts were the thing a few years ago. Yeah, I totally skipped those. Skinny jeans are in right now and you will never see my giant thighs walking around in those things. Never. Sweater dresses? Nope. I looked like a puffy teddy bear. And I was ok with just letting those trends pass me by. No problem.

Every now and then, though, there’s a thing that’s in fashion that I really want to do, but just can’t. That whole jeans-tucked-into-tall-boots thing? I bought tall boots. I tucked my jeans into them. I looked semi-ridiculous and very upside-down triangle-y. But I did it anyway.

This summer, it’s maxi dresses.

I love the idea of maxi dresses. Long, flowy, forgiving dresses that are cool and yet not revealing. Lots of people look great in them. I would look like a hot air balloon. Siiigh. So I’ll be wearing my capri pants and A-skirts all summer again, I guess, and all the skinny people can prance around in their maxi dresses, all superior in their fashionable-ness. And I’ll try not to be too jealous.

Tell me your secret wishes. What do you wish you could wear that you just can’t? Come on, spill. It will make me feel better.

  • Kristen

    Anything with spaghetti straps, or strapless. Those cute little camis with the dainty tops. Capri-length pants without looking like a midget (though I often wear those anyway). Loose-fitting shirts that look great on other women but make me look like I’m 5 months pregnant.

    • See, I feel better already, because you are SO CUTE and have a great body, but you feel about spaghetti straps how I feel about skinny jeans. 🙂 Thanks!

    • Diva

      babe. i am four months pregnant—but I looked like that in them anyway. i feel your pain.

  • Hysterical. I was just about to write about them on my blog. I won’t be wearing them either–I’d look like a frumpy old woman who forgot to change out of her housecoat (as my grandmother used to call it).

    • I didn’t mention romantic white blouses because I CAN and I DO wear those. 😉 Also chunky jewelry. Go me.

  • Diva

    FIrst of all, maxi dresses are teh awesome. I’m knocked up. They’re comfy and I don’t look like as much of a whale-in-a-pup-tent as I expected. Lovve them.

    My wish: Those tall boots. I have really, um, fat calves even when I’m thin, and those suckers don’t zip up my pudgy legs.

    • Ha, yeah, that’s my other problem with those tall boots. My calves don’t LOOK excessively fat, but that’s only because my thighs are ginormous and my calves, in comparison, are normal-sized.

  • Beth Caudill

    I have no fashion sense and I haven’t missed it.

    I do miss being able to wear anything off the shelf. But I don’t go out in public much so no worries that my wardrobe is 3 years behind the times. 🙂

  • Alanahatesfinals

    I have a really long torso compared to my legs. (Have you seen me and Kiba side by side of eachother? I have, like, six inches on her in total height, but our legs are almost the same length!) I feel like a have a nice, if slightly chubbed up hourglass and should so be able to rock a wiggle dress, but my butt actually hits way below the part of the skirt that’s cut to accomodate butt-ness in those dresses. (Does that make sense?) The effect is not flattering.

    I too love maxi dresses and fear looking like a balloon. Can you get a long flowy silk skirt and pair it with a fitted tank to achieve a similar effect while proving to the world that yes, yes you do have a waist thank you very much? (I would do this, but I am way under-employed at the moment and so will be wearing the summer clothes I already have.)

  • Very very wide cotton/linen slacks, that are a bit too short – sort of the Thai fisher look. Not for the big-bottomed-hipped.