Sonja’s Guide to Life: Yard Work

If you’re like me, you’ve got a pretty firm handle on your household chores like laundry, dishes, and cooking, but the yard is a bit of a baffling thing. I mean, stuff can theoretically grow in the house, but I usually throw out the tupperware it’s in when that happens. So I’m not quite sure what to do with the stuff growing in the yard. But, I’m nothing if not innovative and persistent, so here’s my guide to yard work:

1. Get your significant other/housemate/sister/ailing grandfather to do as much of it for you as possible. This sometimes may involve whining, begging, promising sexual favors, or nagging, depending on the person you’ve chosen to be your designated yard tamer. I’ve never had to go beyond opening the garage door and staring bemusedly at the weed-eater. However, if I have to go further in the future, my next step is opening the gas cans to determine their content by scent, or perhaps shaking them like a mysterious Christmas gift and insisting I can tell which one is which by the swishing noise.

2. Plant stuff with color. It’s probably gonna die anyway, but at least you’ll get a few months (fine, weeks) of something screaming, “Look at me!” and hopefully distracting attention from the sinkhole in the lawn you made when you were trying to build that do-it-yourself koi pond.

3. Crab grass cannot be killed. Live with it or hire an exorcist. The exorcist option is probably more entertaining. But, if you must live with it, do like I do and claim it’s ground-cover. Don’t bother trying to pull it up. It will chew through your skin as you rip it out and then defiantly zing right back up through your carefully weeded mulch an hour later. You could spray it with weed-killer, but do you remember when Uncle Lenny drank a liter of Wild Turkey in one afternoon and disappeared for a few weeks, then returned, happy as ever but tanner and with a tattoo of a mud-flap girl on his butt? Weed-killer is the Wild Turkey in this analogy, in case you didn’t get all that.

4. If you hear anything moving in the brush, RUN. I promise it’s a giant poisonous anaconda waiting for you to unsuspectingly reach into your shrubbery to pull out a vine, and it will bite your hand and by the next morning your thumb will have liquified, and the snake venom will have gotten into your nervous system and made you crazy, and you’ll be on the roof of the house singing Oops I Did It Again in your underpants.

5. If you have a dog, don’t bother picking up the poop. It’s a natural fertilizer and a home theft deterrent.

If all else fails, bulldoze the whole thing and cover it with gravel.