34 Things You Still Won’t Know by the Time You’re 34

On the day of my 34th birthday, I’d like to share with you that I do not have it all figured out. In that spirit, I’m sharing 34 things that still baffle me. (Here are 33 things you’ll know by the time you’re 33.)

  1. How to fold a fitted sheet.
  2. What it means to whip something into “stiff peaks.”
  3. #Adulting. All of it.
  4. How to get a baby to stop crying when you’ve already done diaper, food, nap.
  5. Why coffee makes you poop.
  6. That, no matter how many times you try it, painting your nails with white-out is never going to look good.
  7. How to highlight and contour.
  8. How to use a curling iron without burning the shit out of yourself every. single. time.
  9. How to spell “guarantee.”
  10. What the actual hell double boilers are for.
  11. How to lose weight fast and feel great.
  12. The fail-proof way to make sure you take a pill at the same time every day.
  13. The fail-proof way to make sure you remember to give your dog her flea medicine once a month.
  14. How to blow out a candle without spattering hot wax all over everything.
  15. Which things are weeds.
  16. Which things are poison ivy.
  17. What the hell to do with a fresh artichoke.
  18. How to get over a broken heart.
  19. Who decided bikini waxing should be a thing and WHY GOD WHY.
  20. What you want to be when you grow up.
  21. How to motivate yourself to iron any of your clothes ever.
  22. That you should stop buying linen clothes because of the not ironing thing.
  23. How to say something sweet to your siblings without adding “you dumbass” at the end.
  24. That if you save all the Christmas presents to wrap until Christmas Eve, you will run out of wine and podcasts.
  25. How to take criticism gracefully.
  26. How to take compliments gracefully.
  27. Why bad things happen to good people.
  28. That making walrus teeth with your straws is no longer age-appropriate.
  29. How to love your thighs.
  30. What to do when someone asks you a wildly inappropriate question. (So far, gaping fish-mouth has been the most used of all possible responses.)
  31. How to accept turning a year older with good humor and not even a smidge of pure panic.
  32. How to pretty-cry.
  33. How to walk in high heels, let’s be honest.
  34. The future.

34 things you still won't know by the time you're 34

  • Heather

    Happy birthday, birthday sharer! I’m turning 33 today,

  • Creeping Ivy

    Do you have a moment to discuss our lord and savior, Downy Wrinkle Release? If you spray it on clothes and then toss them in the dryer, you don’t even have to do the “work” of smoothing the wrinkles out…

  • Ellie Weezle

    I’m sorry to say that you might not know a lot of those things by the time you’re 68… sigh.
    life is fun anyway…

  • Moonwyrm

    I turn 34 in a few months, and let me say, there’s a flip side to #24 – if you wrap all your presents early, and buy them months in advance like a smug person, then every single odd shaped present is going to get a tear in the wrapping paper while in storage. Every damn time.