I undertook a project in January to write a joke a day. I didn’t quite get a joke each day, but I wrote a lot of jokes I wouldn’t have written otherwise.
And, yeah, before you bust me, some of these are less jokes and more observances of my life, but humor can be observational and character-driven, so suck it.
Here they are, in no particular order.
- You guys, I’ve tried all the diets, and the only one that really works is severe orthodontic pain.
- Why did the cow cross the road? … Because she wanted to get moo-ving.
- Hey in case you weren’t depressed enough about taking down Christmas decorations, tomorrow you get to go back to work!
- If you don’t cry at least once while doing your budget for the year, did you really do your budget?
- Today I thought, “Oh I have a doiley that would look lovely under this candelabra.” And then I realized my youth is solidly over.
- Q: How many Klingons does it take to bathe a cat? A: Only one, and he will die with honor.
- When you’re in your 30s, it’s Netflix and bills.
- Happy “Well My New Year’s Resolutions Were Stupid Anyway So I Give Up” Day!
- This must make me a sex god or something: “Feeling foolish and awkward can boost your sex appeal.” http://ow.ly/WObot
- “I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck,” said Tom tiredly.
- If quitting caffeine makes me want to die, does that mean I like Diet Coke more than life?
- When the going gets tough, the not-so-tough use avoidance tactics like playing Candy Crush.
- Am I going to watch the SOTU or The Bachelor? At this point, it’s really a toss up. (Also still on the table: passing out before 9 p.m.)
- Day 4 of no caffeine. Is it better to be addicted to caffeine or to be on day 4 of a pounding headache? Answer unclear.
- Good morning, people who still had to show up to work because you didn’t win the Power Ball.
- Yes I did have beer and malted milk balls for supper. Because I’m a fucking grownup, that’s why.
- It’s 2016. I move that we retire these things from pop culture: beards, IPAs, ponchos.
- Reason #74 I still love my car CD player: Queuing up You Oughta Know so that Alanis growls, “FUCK HERRR” when you start the car next time.
- Three mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t curve their sine here.”
- Snow day? More like follow-my-husband-around-the-house-cleaning-up-his-wake-of-destruction day, amirite? (No? Just me?)
- I thought I was tired of being stuck at home, but at work there are beeping noises and it smells like broccoli and I want to go home.
- Snowed in, out of wine.
- Might have hit Reply All…
- Husband snoring, dog snoring. At least if a robber breaks in, they’ll think we have bears and leave.
- Sometimes I silently curse bikers as I pass them in my giant sedan. (I don’t always feel like sharing the road.)
- I judge you when you don’t use baseball metaphors correctly.
- I didn’t click Like on your Facebook photo on purpose.
- Had fish and broccoli for dinner. I guess it was nutritious and shit, but now my house smells like a garbage dump on a hot day.
So there you go. I figure 29 out of 31 isn’t too bad, when it comes down to it.
Now what should I do in February?