January Jokes

I undertook a project in January to write a joke a day. I didn’t quite get a joke each day, but I wrote a lot of jokes I wouldn’t have written otherwise.

And, yeah, before you bust me, some of these are less jokes and more observances of my life, but humor can be observational and character-driven, so suck it.

Here they are, in no particular order.

I didn't write this joke this month, but I did write this joke, and I needed a picture to go in this post, so here.

I didn’t write this joke this month, but I did write this joke, and I needed a picture to go in this post, so here.

  1. You guys, I’ve tried all the diets, and the only one that really works is severe orthodontic pain.
  2. Why did the cow cross the road? … Because she wanted to get moo-ving.
  3. Hey in case you weren’t depressed enough about taking down Christmas decorations, tomorrow you get to go back to work!
  4. If you don’t cry at least once while doing your budget for the year, did you really do your budget?
  5. Today I thought, “Oh I have a doiley that would look lovely under this candelabra.” And then I realized my youth is solidly over.
  6. Q: How many Klingons does it take to bathe a cat? A: Only one, and he will die with honor.
  7. When you’re in your 30s, it’s Netflix and bills.
  8. Happy “Well My New Year’s Resolutions Were Stupid Anyway So I Give Up” Day!
  9. This must make me a sex god or something: “Feeling foolish and awkward can boost your sex appeal.”
  10. “I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck,” said Tom tiredly.
  11. If quitting caffeine makes me want to die, does that mean I like Diet Coke more than life?
  12. When the going gets tough, the not-so-tough use avoidance tactics like playing Candy Crush.
  13. Am I going to watch the SOTU or The Bachelor? At this point, it’s really a toss up. (Also still on the table: passing out before 9 p.m.)
  14. Day 4 of no caffeine. Is it better to be addicted to caffeine or to be on day 4 of a pounding headache? Answer unclear.
  15. Good morning, people who still had to show up to work because you didn’t win the Power Ball.
  16. Yes I did have beer and malted milk balls for supper. Because I’m a fucking grownup, that’s why.
  17. It’s 2016. I move that we retire these things from pop culture: beards, IPAs, ponchos.
  18. Reason #74 I still love my car CD player: Queuing up You Oughta Know so that Alanis growls, “FUCK HERRR” when you start the car next time.
  19. Three mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t curve their sine here.”
  20. Snow day? More like follow-my-husband-around-the-house-cleaning-up-his-wake-of-destruction day, amirite? (No? Just me?)
  21. I thought I was tired of being stuck at home, but at work there are beeping noises and it smells like broccoli and I want to go home.
  22. Snowed in, out of wine.
  23. Might have hit Reply All…
  24. Husband snoring, dog snoring. At least if a robber breaks in, they’ll think we have bears and leave.
  25. Sometimes I silently curse bikers as I pass them in my giant sedan. (I don’t always feel like sharing the road.)
  26. I judge you when you don’t use baseball metaphors correctly.
  27. I didn’t click Like on your Facebook photo on purpose.
  28. Had fish and broccoli for dinner. I guess it was nutritious and shit, but now my house smells like a garbage dump on a hot day.
  29. Lies:


So there you go. I figure 29 out of 31 isn’t too bad, when it comes down to it.

Now what should I do in February?

  • I’m ambidextrous and can use chopsticks with both hands. And yes, I do only point that out to show off. ;-D