Whiskey-Pissing Unicorns: How to Lose or Quit Your Job and Become a Badass Writer

Unicorn-Cover-S-160x245On Sale: April 2013

Order eBook: Amazon

We really hope you don’t get a pernicious pink slip, but just in case you do we whipped up Whiskey-Pissing Unicorns: How to Lose or Quit Your Job and Become a Badass Writer. Better snag a copy before you actually get started as a full-time writing couch pilot.

This little gem includes three critical questions (and one sneaky-ass trick) you should consider when deciding whether you really wanna be an ink-slave. We’ll also share two rather embarrassing descriptions of the life of a full-time writer, and give you our pie-in-the-sky advice for how you should do this thang (even though we didn’t do it this way). We also explain precisely where badass writers find paying jobs (not counting Wal-Mart, hah), and tell you what does and doesn’t keep the baby in Huggies.

We did sneak in a little limerick, but you’ll have to catch your own whiskey-pissing unicorn. Instructions (actual check sheets, if you can believe that!) included.


So you wanna be a badass writer…

What, all the porn star jobs were taken? Hah. Just kidding. You’re welcome here, even if you are bat-shit crazy. We’re a little off our rockers, too. Sudden fame and the luxe lifestyle changes you, no matter how you try to stop it. And we were just children when it happened…

Hm, that one – the “we were innocents” angle – that has some possibilities. Just noting that down for later.

Hi, we’re Sonja and Lisa, and we’re compulsive liars who get paid to lay around in our underwear and speak our perfectly-formed ideas into the ether where they’re automatically snatched up, packaged prettily, and sold for veritable mountains of e-coins by elves who don’t charge us anything for their marketing assistance. We work about 10 minutes per day, eat our weight in Cheetos, and yes, we know Stephen King. Hell, we gave that boy his start. Also J.K. Rowling, and the other two famous writers the dude in the apartment next to you can name.

Eh, it’s nothing like that (except for the Cheetos), but we do feel a little unbalanced most days. And most people have no clue what it is that full-time, professional writers do. Most folks have a weird-ass, rock star “money for nothing, chicks for free” mentality about writers, or else they have the starving- artist-writing-screenplays-in-New-York notion that is equally bullshit. It’s like people think we either do no “real” work for lots of money, or we work our sad little asses off and never make the rent. The reality is that the two of us work long hours, swear a lot, drink (at odd hours) more than is strictly advisable, and we also make a solid living as writers. And there’s the Cheetos, of course.

All full-time writers work. We’re more or less mules, plowing the same boring-ass field, for hours on end, every damn day. We finish, we go back to the shed, we’re so happy when someone brushes our fur (do mules have fur?) and gives us oats and turns out the light so we can stand in the hay, in the dark, and dream of tomorrow.

What in the dark pits of Hades could possibly be compelling about such a set-up? And yet, here we all are, discussing it at some length. Here we are because we fucking love it. Love it. See bat-shit crazy remark, above.

The two of us actually came into the life of a writer in radically different ways. Sonja’s story starts with her bawling her eyes out in her boss’s office while getting unexpectedly fired. Lisa thought she could spreadsheet (woo, spread- sheet as a verb) her way out of corporate and into writing, but — surprise, y’all! — it didn’t go anything like she planned. And yet we both made it work pretty damn well, and we believe you can do it, too.


Order eBook: Amazon